>>223670>Untreated selective mutism still affecting me to this day (it is normal for me to get a classical "why are you so quiet?" from strangers).Same, So that's what they call it.
A few months ago, I started reading about anxiety disorders and AVPD, but I don't think I have borderline personality disorder, although I do feel the social inadequacy of AVPD and and other things.
In the long run, it's obvious that isolation, my mother, being poor, not having any hobbies (or having hobbies that didn't last long), and having something-friends who were all trash didn't help me and the self-steem.
Other shitty things happened to me too, and in high school no one cared to support me so the trauma is somewhere.
Rejection, in short, I remember having black peripheral vision when it happened. I don't know if it was dissociation on my part or if I screwed up my brain at that moment. That happened other times i think but I've already forgotten.
Oh, and to top it all off, I ended up believing that I created a tulpa, even though I cut it off the moment I had my first panic attack.
>AlsoUniversity is killing me, and it's not because of intellectual issues, but because I feel like I don't fit in there. I don't know what I want anymore. I started meditating (Samatha-Kasina-Metta) and doing other things, but I don't think it will help me in the long run. I am feeling exhausted and dead.