I fucked up, big time, I'm 27 and I have to do all the work I didn't do when I was 18/20, go to college (yes I want to, and it's my best option), college is free where I'm at, I didn't do it way back because I was a dumb, delusional idiot.
I have very low self esteem and I'm a horrible communicator.
I think if I try to fake this "K/driver" personality it will actually be good for me, and it may help me go through this period of trying to do all the work I should have done. I'm starting from zero, having blow every opportunity it came my way, being 27 and not even having a stable job or a skill and seeing every one around you surpass you is awful and humiliating.
I think that if I just maintain this stoic facade of "K Gosling" (the characters he plays), that may help me in the long run and thought this phase.
Normal people are not as stupid as most of us talk about, at least not about social communication/behavior, they know you don't belong, that you are trying to blend in, and they are fucking cruel, that's why I thought putting up this facade would be a good idea.
He's not a conflict oriented character, he doesn't seek to stand out, "fight" or prove anything and he doesn't try to blend in, he's just there doing his job, no matter what, if people laugh, or dislike him, so be it, like the LAPD station scene where the other officer calls him a skin job, or in Driver where the kids father comes back and wants to talk to him, or Driver where they are all eating a meal together, he doesn't escalate, he's calm, collected and it's ok with the shitty situation, just doing his own thing.
Do you think it could work? I don't think I can stand all the shit I will have to go through as myself, well I failed several times, so. I know that as myself I can't, therapy and medication didn't help in the past.
I still live with my mother and never have money for anything, always working odd jobs and no fucking skill. I'm the joke of the family and friends, well their friends, I don't have any. As well as was the joke of a regular job I had and a course I was attending years ago. It's fucking awful being in this situation. Some days I just want to burry my head in the sand and not see anyone.
But currently I can't just move cities or move to another state, I neither have the money or skills to just apply for jobs that would allow for that.
But as soon as I find a more stable job I will definitely move out.
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