I'm facing a dilemma whether to live an easy, comfortable life or a harder, perhaps more worthwhile one. I understand that I'm privileged to even be faced with such a problem and most people on this site have it worse than me. If you're in a bad situation and struggling to make ends meet this post may be annoying to you, you have been warned.
I remember when I was at university and was struggling socially so bad. All I wanted is to stay home, with my cats, with a nice garden, read books, watch TV, sit in the garden, go cycling. I can have that now. I could rent a house in the suburbs or in the countryside. I could have a comfy life, without any conflicts, internal or external. Without any aggressive, violent people bothering me. I envision myself living life on easy mode: masturbating every day, drinking milk with cocoa, baking cookies, playing with cats I would adopt, playing video games, reading books, doing some work whenever I feel like it. It's a life I always dreamed of as a child - I was forced to train a sport competitively, go on camps where I suffered. I just wanted something "easy" and "nice".
I spend very little money and have gained a good reputation as a programmer + have made some programs that give me passive income + made some investments. That's why I would be able to have this. I also understand that I'm having a better life than most throughout human history.
There is beauty in struggling though, in overcoming your childhood, your fucked-up upbringing, there is beauty to be found in a chilly morning walk at 4AM when everyone's asleep and you are exploring the forest or meadow (pic related).
I know I was not allowed to develop fully by my domineering, perverse, depressed mother. And I've been struggling to psychologically get out of her influence, and I have had some successes. I moved out of my parents' house (using money from another family member) and don't stay in touch with them, and my personality changed over time - I'm not so afraid of people anymore.
I searched for a therapist, went to 6 in the last 3 years and recently found one who's really smart and actually cares. I have little relation to myself, little knowledge of how I feel, what I want and need. I have always had to ignore my feelings, my pain. The other kids in school were impressed that when they did something to me like twisting my arms, I didn't show any pain.
Live in a safe, comfortable fantasy land, or confront myself with thPost too long. Click here to view the full text.