/wiz/ - Wizardry

You know the drill

You set out lots of plans, a reading list and goals for the month

Yet somehow, the lack of external pressure or accountability means that you end up doing nothing but looking at degenerate erotica and hating yourself

Has anyone successfully broken this cycle?

I know there are things that can help this such as:
> Accountability groups
> Going ((outside))
> Broadvice, health diet therapy etc..

Yet the issue is that i am not going to do any of that shit, i didn't ten years ago and i'm not going got start now

The best thing i can think of is creating my own fantasy world where, through the power of imagination, i change my self perception and create a world in which i am a wizard with wizard duties such as scholarly learning, collecting firewood and such things and live my life through a fantasy.

But again, the issue comes from being alone without external drivers, but maybe this can be overcome by more extreme forms of isolation and delusion.

Does anyone know wtf is mentally wrong with me, like as a clinical diagnosis

So i have allot of things in terms of illness, i also have intrusive thoughts and paranoia

Now that's just for context, my issue and something that really bothers me is this, i have what i'd call a "shock reaction" it's some autistic annoying thing that happens sometimes .It's usually i guess fight or flight,
i anticipate something i fear in my mind, that certain thing appears and i get this weird senation and i get visibly shaken, like i guess startled

I have this when i try to hide something, like hide an intrusive thought and someone mentions a word related to what i'm thinking and it triggers a startle response. I sometimes have this when i lie,
like for example i didn't do something i was supposed to do and that person says did you do that when i didn't and that would inliced a startle response

I also have this when i know something about a person and i try to hide a certain feeling, when i see that person like randomly i would also get a startle response

Now this al sounds like i'm some jumpy easily frightened guy which oddly enough isn't true i usually don't care about anything and i don't get scared easily . It's just some autsitic compulsive thing i have that i just can't control or rather i try to control and it makes it worse.

I tend to hide what i'm feeling and thinking, so i find it really annoying when i get a visible response to something going on internally

Ever since I was a kid, I liked nothing else but games. Really, no other interests or passions.

Eventually I tried to branch out, actively searched for other hobbies and interests, but I came to the conclusion that I just really don't like anything.

But for the past few years I didn't like gaming either.

Here's a huge problem and example: World of Warcraft. I've had it installed on my PC for the past 3 weeks. Uninstalled it cause I thought it's garbage and then reinstalled it 3 times. Haven't actually paid for the subscription yet, but I've been contemplating for 3 weeks whether to do it or not. Browsing forums and youtube for reasons not to do it, and for reasons to do it.

Here's the thing though: MMOs were the only thing in life that I ever actually enjoyed for some time and found interesting. Now I don't even have that.

I tried so hard to convince myself to play WoW again. Tried to think of angles, new perspectives on why people play them and why they're NOT pointless. But I couldn't.

Essentially, my brain just doesn't interpret MMOs as worth doing anymore. It all just seems like pixels and numbers that have no meaning and will be reset when the next patch comes.

And yet, I'm in a huge pickle here. I try really hard to get into MMOs again, to enjoy something, but I can't. And I don't like anything else either. So I end up going from game to game, browsing forums for hours a day trying to find something that will fill the void.

As much as games feel pointless, other things in life seem even more boring and pointless to me. And I've tried really hard to find something else to enjoy. All this normal advice that circulates on the internet just doesn't apply to me "take a walk, learn a language, improve yourself, go the gym, listen to music, learn an instrument, learn how to draw, work harder" yada yada it just seems pointless.

Do you believe in UFOs?

I grew up in the remote countryside and was repeatedly abducted by extra terrestrials as a child. I was subjected to invasive and painful vivisection without sedatives or anaesthetics. Of course, I moved to the city as soon as I had the means, and I now sleep in a room with no windows. I do believe that my abductors continue to monitor my location.

Also, Jesus of Nazareth was an extra terrestrial.

Does the magic flow in your family?

Its weird but for me almost everyone including females is one. I lived in self denial how I can become normie and live different life but now I just became one of the many.

What does your world look like? How do you live your life? Is your world a nice place?

I think the world is fundamentally bad (a la Ligotti/Inmendham), but there are ways that we can extract enjoyment from it. As for how I live, I believe that we have partial control over how we feel, so I force my brain to feel energetic and happy.

I imagine this would be a point of contention but I think its worth bringing up anyway. I've seen many wizards on this site (sometimes implicitly) describe their wizardhood as being some sort of curse, yet simultaneously proclaim their superiority to norps and how they could never stand to live that sort of life (which on its own is fair enough). However it still strikes me as having some sort of cognitive dissonance, why be something you clearly find to be some sort of deficiency? I'm not trying to describe a crab, nor the people who have genuinely been dealt a bad hand in life which is probably a substantial amount of you, but rather the ones with largely pessimistic worldviews aggravated by their current state as a wizard. Personally I am both indifferent to normalfags and I enjoy being a wizard.

Is anyone else living with grandma?

My mother called me an asshole and terrible child, so i moved to grammies :^)

Apparently this is an even more despicable life choice than if i was to remain caged by my narcissistic mother, but i don't care about that, she is peaceful and gives me less stress.

One thing that does aggravate me are the neighbours, constantly looking and peering in, hoping to catch a glimpse of the wizard next door. Baka, i don't give them the satisfaction.

Okay yes, grammie is a hoarder and her house is falling down and i am trying to help her with these things.

But when i peek out of my curtains and see normies gawking at the house when they are passing by, a rage feels me and i want to scream out of the window at them, but i control myself to hide my power level.

There's much more to this story, but i'll leave it there for now.

I'm having a hard time even thinking about them being real. I never expect to meet one, but I've never even heard of someone who fits the description.