I'm sorry for abandoning the thread, I had it open all this time, just no real strength to respond.
To be more clear I just got checkmated by
>>228194 this fellow mentally at least for a good bit and I'm still not able to meaningfully respond.
I'll do so anyways to at least show appreciation.
I have read each response fully of course, even if I do not quote directly.
>>228159I understand the "baby steps" approach, I tried. I managed to "force things" for a while, then somehow drop it and to my shock a year passed.
I to this day am unable to keep a consistent hygiene schedule, it only got better because I do force myself every time I have to go to work which… isn't as often as you might imagine with my blessed dead end helpdesk job I received through something like divine grace.
I tried over and over again and I have accumulated nothing but failures to the point where now my body seems averse to even trying. I just bring the hobby tools for example and stare at them. I can barely read or force myself to think often enough.
Cheap dopamine is the only thing I manage to pursue, but the past few years have been filled with more "starring at the wall in a hazy daydream" rather than any video games or anime. Both which take more effort than I seem able to maintain.
I can muster some up if need be, but as I said, maintaining the spark and kindling it into flame is beyond me.
Funny you mention blender as it was something I really wanted to be good at at some point. I have 2.8 still downloaded, mostly untouched as you might imagine. Ended up like many delusional dreams of mine.
Well not quite, it can't collect dust at least…
>>228193>If this is the belief in your heart-of-hearts This was not a desired outcome nor a desired state of mind. It's not something I decide or choose daily. Though I do consider myself a victim I guess considering my galton board obsession.
I have made attempts which felt like best effort and honest pushes, especially during childhood and you know… the frequency of these became less and less after each rejection and failure.
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