Heya, I don't really know how to formulate this, but it is a feeling that has been nagging and gnawing at me for quite some time and only relatively recenty I can express with words.
I was probably an intelligent child, assumed to do great things, and expected to excel. This never happened in the public school system, where I did what was needed and that is that. When we started to receive grades for our work (13 year olds in Norway), I did OK, I never worked for antyhing and it went OK-ish.
I then went to high school equivalent, from 16-18 and also did OK. I got excellent grades in maths and physics and oral exam where we studied in a group.
Any part of life, i have given to authorities, what to do, what to feel, which rendered me an insignificant person. I am really nobody. I have no drive, ambition, wish, want or anything that you would assume a person to have.
I solely e xist to please some external authority, be it a parent, a boss at a workplace or psychiatrist. No drive is internal, everything is about "pleasing" some external factor which I project good (or bad) stuff onto.
I don't really know what I want to write here, it has been nagging on me, and I want to get it out. Shout it into an informal cloud of sorts.
It is an exhausting way to live, and quite frankly, I am tired of it. It has given me next to nothing and everything carries a sense of guilt and shame, where I owe pleasure and reassurance. Something I long to receive, but nobody ever gives. While individual events can be seen as fun, anytime it brings any sort of responsibility, I shy away from it. I would rather quit and never return if I am supposed to do otherwise. Be it play any role in a game with responsibility (tank in World of Warcraft, commander in Hell Let Loose, present anything at work).
I feel nothing but shame, a constant reminder of shortcomings and I believe that ties to my "brilliance". I am expected to excel. To be great at anything, to just do the right choices. Which brings me to my next point. I was (am) always expected to choose correctly, because you choose movement, and that affect the outcome. So it was built an expectation that I chose correctly outcome.
Think of it as a chess match, where you choose movement of pieces. If you choose poorly, yo might lose a piece or the entire game. In my sake, I am judged on the outcome, rather then the movement. So a brilliant mind, a grandmaster, can do a judgement and decide moving
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